Jesus Love Me: Crazy and All

28Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

and he brought them out of their distress.

29He stilled the storm to a whisper;

the waves of the sea#

:29Dead Sea Scrolls; Masoretic Text / their waves

were hushed.

30They were glad when it grew calm,

and he guided them to their desired haven.

31Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love…

(Psalm 107:28-31)

 

I think we have finally reached a point of speaking….

 

The words that will flow in this will be words that are painful for me to say out loud, but maybe that is the purpose. This is Brie. I will never be anything other than me. I will never be anything other than “crazy”.

 

So…. Hi, my name is Brianne and I legitimately struggle with Bi-Polar Disorder on a daily basis.

 

That almost feels amazing to say out loud. I almost feel less crazy than normal….Wait, nope still having a thousand racing thoughts. It was worth a try.

 

I am definitely not an extreme end of the spectrum, but I am on it. I am always a little ball of bomb ticking away. I speak before I think, I listen, but usually my perception of it is skewed and my ability to trust people is slim to none. I love, with my whole heart, I love. I am happy. I am absolutely joyful. I am weird. My ability to not care about what people think about me is devastating and freeing at the same time.

 

Every single day, I have to battle myself. I am my own worst enemy. I don’t need the devil, I wake up with myself on a daily basis.

 

I am 98.2% always as normal as normal can be. I am controlled by my trips to the gym and a therapist that has spent countless sessions with me on my knees in prayer. I am thankful that she understands that sometimes, talking to her isn’t who I should be talking to and I just need her to hold my hand a bit.

 

The issue is the other 1.8% that strays from what is normal. The days where there are so many storms that come from so many angles. The days that I can’t control and have even been known to contain moments of time that I can’t remember. I say things I would never say. I do things I would never do and I have nothing left after these moments other than giant piles of debris to sift through and organize what is left. In these moments, I spend a lot of time here as my reminder to stay focused:

 

6The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. (Romans 8:6-8)

 

This time, I lost my ability to stay focused on God.

 

The last four months have been flat-out hell though. I had the chance to:

Listen to my daughters dad say awful things about me that were not true, and I let him get in my head

I got become homeless, yet the kind hearts of my friends kept me with a roof over our head

I worked two jobs through Christmas thinking it would help me get ahead only to find out I didn’t think about after and it wasn’t how I planned

I worked hard all year to try to get out of debt (you should not be a slave to the lender) only to find out I missed something and it came to bite me

While trying to find a new home, I found myself living an hour and half away from EVERYONE

The boy we love was gone for 4 months straight with the exception of three days

The list really does just keep going…..

 

Please know that I am not a victim… I am the product of decisions made in a past where I was so far from God that there wasn’t any way I was about to make a right decision…..

 

I was stressed to the max. I should have seen it coming and I should have backed down. I allowed not only a severely manic episode to break thorough, but I let spiritual depression set it. I found myself drifting away from the love of God. I tried to open my mouth and pray and sing His praises, but it was hard.

 

I also should have tried to stop so I could see God’s grace working around me. I found a home that was literally right down the road from a little girl and her family that I love and am so thankful for in my life. Then, I managed to sign the lease on that place and then I randomly was able to pay to turn everything on. I then found out that my neighbors literally beside me was another family from church who are parents to another little girl who has a piece of my heart. My new neighbors, are getting ready to give birth to their first baby, and have already asked me about coming to church with me someday after the baby is born. I have met a couple of other families and even Allie G has friends on the street and she is excited about coming home.

 

If you hear nothing else in this, hear this: THIS COULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT GOD’S HAND….This could not have happened without his grace and mercy. After the last four months, this is all I know.

 

I ignored it. Let’s be honest… I lost it. I lost it on a level I will never allow myself to get to again. I said things I didn’t mean and should have never said. I only know this because it was so graciously tossed in my face this week. As I went back to my phone on that day, I have a few people I will sweeping up the dust from. I will be trying to restore friendships destroyed in a 60 second moment I can’t get back. I will be trying to save a relationship that God straight up handed me, because of a moment I couldn’t control. I said so many awful things to him…. the boyfriend and God……

 

That moment reminded me just how out of the circle I had been. I lost my ability to do the only thing I knew I was doing right.

 

In a moment where I thought there could be grace and mercy, there wasn’t. There was a moment that I created, that I thought there could be forgiveness for. It was really just a moment for something else. There was no compassion. There was no love. There was no grace and there was no mercy. There was nothing. I spent a long time in my car in the parking lot that afternoon. I prayed and  talked to God until I was able to forgive myself for something I did and I found peace.

 

I almost let the devil win. I almost believed that I wasn’t good enough. I almost believed that I was not usable and I almost believed that I wasn’t capable of being loved by God. I almost…… but I didn’t. I knew this wasn’t true and my insides told me the real purpose of what had happened and I had to agree that it was something out of my hand. Jesus forgave me. He forgave me for sleeping around in my younger years, for kids out-of-wedlock, for being an excessive party girl, for doing so many things wrong, and He forgave me for this moment….

 

I am now very medicated and in a very exciting program…. Ok, that might be a stretch. I am on the uphill climb though.

 

I found myself honestly feeling like I had been dropped in the middle of a forest. I was not ok and it felt like it was not ok to not be ok. Please listen to me though, it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be over stressed by life. It is ok to be confused about why things are happening in your life and it is ok to be crazy. Jesus love you. He loves you crazy and all. That is the great thing about God’s grace and mercy. It is not limited to how perfect you are. It is not limited to how involved you are. It is not limited to if you make mistakes or not.

 

You are not defined by a chemical imbalance. You are not defined by your positions in your life. You are not defined by the world. You are not defined by the labels you or someone else has created about you. The only person that has permission to label you is God. I see crazy, unlovable, messy, sex before marriage, bad decisions and unworthy. God sees, beautiful, loving, giving, cherished, funny, loved, and so much more.

 

I don’t know how God chooses to reveal himself to everyone, but for me,as I drove out of that parking lot, I got a phone call saying that my store hit a goal I had been trying all month to hit. I got another phone call saying that the beds I couldn’t afford would be delivered that afternoon and the door of a project I have been working and praying about was completely opened. The one last bill that I couldn’t afford to pay, will be officially taken care of on Monday.

 

So for a girl who thought that she all of a sudden needed to be perfect and struggled with knowing she couldn’t…

For a girl who tried to be everything and in a moment she had no control of, watched everything come crashing down…

For a girl who struggles with crazy on a daily basis, and could never say it out loud…

For a girl who will was defined by her level of out of control, and forgot to give it God

 

And for everyone, that struggles with knowing that when you wake up, you have to pray for God to protect you from yourself, because your mind is a strong enemy….. Just remember, keep your eyes looking to heaven. Stay strong and remember that you have a Godly purpose. Stay focused on God’s word. Take the time to bury yourself in it and read the words. Pray. Pray and did I mention pray. If you are in a moment where you can’t stop and you don’t know what is happening, but you can’t stop, pray. God will answer when you cry out to Him.

 

Please, go see someone. It is ok. Do not lose yourself in the world of “taking medication is wrong”. If your kidneys were failing, you would take something. A mental disease is the same way. It is ok. Even in the bible, Timothy was told to sip some wine for a stomach problem.

 

Find a support group….No really, find a support group. There are people out there just like you. You are not the only person  out there struggling with something like this.

 

Did I mention pray????

 

Always remember that Jesus loves you… Crazy and all…

And for some daily reminders:

 

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor 10:5)

 

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ ( 2 Thess 3:5)

 

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. (Romans 8-27)

 

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, nor heavenly rulers neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8-38-39)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Sorry…. Storm is Coming???

It has been quite the season. My friends have been attacked. I have been attacked. Who knows what else went under fire that I haven’t even found out about yet. I have seen lives torn apart, finances come crashing down, families in pieces and children that have been destroyed by past decisions (some day I will confess this one since it is my child).

I will say, my season that I am coming out of has been long and super difficult, but definitely the most rewarding moment of my life. I have had the joy of growing, building my trust in God and learning more about who He really is. I have also had the joy of using my words to build people up, provide a little strength and hope and none of that could have happened without me suffering through the last few months. I know without a doubt that it was God working through me.

Let’s be honest. I knew my time at Blue Coast was going to run out. The problem with that, was the time it took to start my new job. There was exactly a month and a half between the two. Let’s keep in mind, I had drained everything I had saved before this so when I stepped into this “waiting” moment, I felt doomed. I felt something I never wanted to struggle with….I was doubtful.

Weeks into that and another situation that was happening, I was done. God wasn’t taking care of me. He promised to provide if I would trust Him. Where was He?? So, I wrote it out. I wrote the how, when, why of how I was going to kill myself. I wrote the who should get my kids and please take care of them like this. I wrote the teach them to love everyone and never expose them hate plea. Then, I got to completely crack on two women that I hold dear to me. I heard their words of encouragement, but listening is not a skill I’m blessed with in all situations. This was absolutely hopeless.

We have all been there. Some of us are there now and aren’t even aware. We let Satan plant that little seed of doubt and we get to endure getting crushed by it. We see no hope in getting our bills caught up, and we let it trip us up in our walk with God. We can’t see our families back together or our children coming home, and we let it make us feel abandoned and helpless. We took our eyes off of heaven and let the worldly things destroy us.

For me, I found this verse:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:2-4

I’m sorry…..Did that say pure joy??? Let’s talk about this…. It was not pure joy, until I realized that this was it. We are tested and tried because God really does have something better for us. We have to prove our strength through the storm, because if we can’t make it through a small storm, then how will we ever make it through the fire that comes our way. We have to dive into our bibles every day and rest on the promises of our God because He is never going to leave us. No matter how dark the skies are, or how much rain comes with it, He is holding our hand.

God’s Word is true. Joshua 21:45 (NASB) says, “Not one of the good promises which the Lord had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass.

When doubt creeps in, crush it with God’s word. Recalling Scripture is the best weapon we have against Satan’s lies.

We can also look back and remember what God has done for us in the past. In Joshua 4, the Israelites made a memorial to remember how God helped them cross the Jordan River. Be intentional about remembering what the Lord has done for you. God’s past performance is the best indication of His future provision.

Doubt will eat us alive. We let Satan in without even knowing. We are driving down the road, mowing our yards or even cooking dinner when we hear it.

Is God real?

Can I trust Him?

Is He really going to provide for me?

One day, at the end of my rope, I checked the mail and found a gift card in envelope with no name and no return address and in the same breathe for the first time in two months, Izzy’s dad actually paid child support. I though I was going to melt on the spot. How could I have ever doubted God and His ability to take care of me? I sat down and realized that He had provided side jobs and things for me to do to earn money. I had the time to sit down and decide what I wanted to do and pray about my purpose a little more. He had taken care of me and led me to places I should be. I would have never taken the time to sit down and talk to Him about everything. I’m guilty of getting wrapped up in the “crazy, busy life.”

So rest assured, God is never going to leave your side. He is going to hold your hand through everything. He even promises in Isaiah 43:1-2…

 

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze

 

 

I’m spiritually homeless.

Travis's Blog

Homelessness is a heartbreaking issue in our world.  Knowing that there are people who sleep on park benches, under bridges and shelters should break our heart.  It’s tragic.  I can’t imagine the feeling of not knowing where you will be sleeping tonight.  Let us not forget that we’re all one shelter of grace away from being in that very same situation.

2013 has brought about many changes for my life, and our family.  One of the more recent changes is spiritual church homelessness.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m not presently serving at a church.  The good side of that is that I have the ability to visit different local churches.  It’s a lot more hopeful than physical homelessness.  I know God wouldn’t have us remain spiritually homeless very long though, so we’re in the process of seeking God’s direction for a church home…

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What the Whatever..

You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…….. Exodus 20:5 NIV

As I have been digging into a new book about idolatry, I find that I am searching me more than I was prepared too. I am having to sit back and realize that there are things that I sometimes let come before my relationship with God. I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be. I do strive to live a little more “Christ like” everyday, but some days, I fail miserably.
I have had to realize that my biggest battle is companionship. It is not that I don’t believe God is always with me and I completely trust the fact that He has been my best friend and greatest relationship all along. I just have to realize that my desire to be wanted by someone is just that. Intimacy is probably going to the death of me.
Don’t confuse what I just said. I don’t desire to “get laid.” The honest answer is yes I struggle with sexual desire, but my desire to hold out until hopefully I’m married is much stronger. I just simply refuse to fail at this. I tend to get sucked in and distracted by people looking for a good time and then realize halfway through that I have lost focus, but this isn’t what takes over my heart.
My heart longs for someone who wants to spend time with. I want someone who wants to come home to me and someone who wants to be home when I get home. I want someone who understands that I’m a great time without all the partying, though I love going and hanging out with someone.
I long for someone to five to when they are sick or someone who just wants to be when life is stressful. I want to be the ear they turn to and probably essentially a best friend when you break it down. I want to laugh as a complete family. I want someone to share life with and travel on our crazy journey together. I don’t want us to have the same passions, but the ability to support each other in the passions we do have.
There should be get together a with friends and family. There should be movie night and game night. I want a date night and fighting over petty things night. I want honesty and trust. I want surprise romance.
Ok, so this isn’t really about what I want, but what consumes me. This about a struggle that I face daily when I know so much better. I get mad at God when I know that it isn’t Him. I panic because I’m scared my path is a path traveled alone on this Earth. I know that God will never leave me and He have too much to me for me to ever leave Him. This is my struggle though. I don’t fear pretty much anything and I don’t stress over small things…. I panic because I just want that one person. I panic because I don’t know how to be that person to a person or find my person. If I did find my person, how do you become the most important person to that person and the next thing I know, my heart is consumed by this. I know in my heart it isn’t time. I know I’m ready because I have too much other stuff to do. I know that the way God loves me and helps me prosper could never compare to what anyone on this planet has to offer. I also know that if I could physically fall into the arms of God, I would probably never even have this problem. I can feel Him and I can hear Him. I just can’t quite completely let go of this one. I know when it happens. We have a jealous God. He doesn’t want sometimes the best of me, He wants all the time all of me. He wants to be where I turn, be the person to hear and be my person.
I don’t like that this is my problem. I am always the tough one. I am always the one who can make it through anything. I don’t like to let people see me cry and I don’t like to let them see me react. He has given me a great group of friends for the current path I am on and I am forever thankful for that, and yet too many times I find myself having to remind myself of this. I just want to give it all to God and walk away. When I do though, I always manage to take it back…

For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24 NIV

How To Be A Lola

There comes a time when she must stop. She is always going. She is always bubbly and encircled by people that love her and she is so great at meeting people. She walks with her head high like no one can touch her and she is bulletproof. No one will be able to touch her. She is invincible and she will stand through anything.
Her heart is warm and loving, yet perfectly cold so she doesn’t slip in the wrong puddle. She will probably always be alone because no matter how loving she is, the honest point to make is she is unloveable. How can she ever allow herself to get hurt? She will put a wall up for earthly feelings every day if that is what it takes.
She fights the flesh every day in many different ways and she realizes that she is strong enough to win. She realizes she is ok with being alone forever. How could she ever go on mission trips and do God’s work for her if she was always tied down to a place? How could she ever accomplish anything she is called to do?
Then she realizes she doesn’t want to travel her journey alone. She doesn’t want the world to be changed by her, but by them. She wants to look at someone and come alive by the way he is looking back at her and her heart is screaming when she prays. It is screaming some nonsense about being a good wife… What?! Who does that? Who wants to be a wife? That is not her goal, so why is she praying about it all of a sudden? Why is she the one who has to come to grips with all of these emotions when in a honesty, someone else should have to.
She wants to shake people and tell them that talking is amazing and one of her favorite things to do, but at the end of the day, it is just that. It will always just be a noise that comes out of the mouth. If you can’t act like or show what you are saying, is there any reason to continue on? Should we all have to sit around and suffer through the moment? She doesn’t want to raise, change or train anyone. She just wants to be loved, feel needed and maybe have someone else worry for just a few. She can admit that sometimes she wants someone to sing her to sleep or fill the walls with beautiful music and write her cute notes to be found when he has gone. She has so much that she has imagined in this one person and yet, that person exists. That person has existed many times throughout her life.
They have fallen short though. They always end up being more emotional and needing more comfort than she has. She wants to be there for him, but she wants to rest too. It has to be a two way street. She wants a leader, so she can take off her leader pants for a while. She wants to feel like the girl for once. She wants someone to guide her and make decisions. She knows that deciding where to eat should take five minutes, not five hours.
She needs God. She wants him to know God at least on her level. Her level of faith is so big that she knows it would take a big man to feel those shoes. She couldn’t honestly love someone who can’t feed her spiritual appetite. She knows what God has in store for her. He has shown her many times. She has to be patient and continue to be a work in progress. She has to strive to be more Christlike on a daily basis. She has to continue being his hands and feet for Him. She needs someone to love her and understand that. He would have to be able to encourage her and support her. There are just so many parts to this and she knows….
For now, she buries her love in God. He has her heart and she will never let go just as He never let go of her. She will always give her burdens to Him and let Him deal with them. He knows the desires of her heart and of they coincide with His plans, it will work out. If not, than something bigger and better lies ahead and she knows it could only be mind blowing.

As my New Years resolution was to live completely fearless in my relationship with God, this blog is perfect. We must always strive for more because God always wants more for us. I took a great step yesterday and God opened so many doors and this month I will be getting baptized, and it’s because settling wasn’t enough. I want to do what God wants for me and I’m willing to do what it takes….

Travis's Blog

Faith without action is merely belief.

 

Even the demons of Hell have achieved that level of spiritual maturity.

 

Please don’t die there.

 

If you are at a place in life that only requires faith in the restaurant you’re going to eat at tonight, then it may be time to change your environment.  Faith without action (works) will spiritually and literally bore you to death.

 

Every new year, I’m reminded of the hymn that proclaims “I am resolved no longer to linger, charmed by the world’s delight, things that are higher, things that are nobler, these have allured my sight.”  It’s more than just a hymn.  It’s a proclamation that things MUST be different.  It’s a solid first foot down in the direction that God is sending you.  It’s a completely determined focus on the end result.

 

Then it’s the leap.

 

The reckless jump.

 

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What We Need To Hear

There comes a point in everyone’s life where we have to own up to the fact that we aren’t ok. It is something that approaches all of us at some point. It can hit at any age, no matter if you are young or older. Sometimes you are lucky enough to see it creeping up and sometimes it just hits you in the face like a ton of bricks.
When it hits though, we all respond. We seek comfort and rest. We look for that something that will take care of it. We will search for as long as it takes because we tend to try to avoid feeling uncomfortable. We try to avoid being real and saying it out loud. Why would we? What would people think if we didn’t have it all together?
Solutions come in many forms. You wake up and realize that you are lonely so you go and seek a companion. You seek a best friend to be right by your side. You seek someone to call and talk about your day with. You lack the care and concern of consequences when you hunt like this with a passion. You will take whatever walks in front of you if it means you aren’t alone anymore.

Maybe you have a fear of people leaving. You can’t put yourself into a relationship or friendship because it is useless. You know that everyone leaves and that it wouldn’t be worth the heartache. You just want to find someone who will tell you that it is ok to close your eyes because they will still be there when you wake up. You want someone to tell you that they have no intention of leaving or that they will be there at any minute when you call them.

Maybe you terrorize yourself with low self-esteem seeking words that remind you that you are beautiful…. The catch is that you don’t believe them and half the people that tell you that you are will never fully be a part of your life. The truth is that you are beautiful, probably more than you know. The fact that beauty on the inside is important is all we can cling to sometimes.

Maybe you just need to hear that you are doing something right… You go through your everyday thinking that you have messed up. You are convinced that you break everything and will probably always ruin everything good. In all honesty, you probably won’t even let yourself see the good because of fear. Your own fear will eat you alive and spit you out. It will take you and make unaware of the great things you have or are yet to do. You have to conquer your fears first.

No matter the situation or the life problems that you will face or have to endure, you will be ok. You will continue on your journey and always search for words that you need to hear. It is just human nature. No matter of you find comfort in the words on the side of a coffee cup, in a fortune cookie or in someone that is just there at the right time.

Just A Touch Of Crazy

Maybe it is because I am the lucky or maybe it is just the hand that has been given to me, but either way, this is my life. I can’t change it and I won’t ever try to pretend that I can. I might just have a touch of crazy that got dealt in my direction. So, probably not, but this girl has not been having an easy time and lately it starting to take its toll. It has left me asking a lot of questions and dealing with moments that I don’t want to. I guess I am not alone. No one wants to meet all of their fears at once. It is hard enough to talk about one fear without someone telling you that you are silly and overreacting. How do you get someone to really listen?

Have you ever been sad before? Have you ever cried over the death of a loved one, or cried because you cut your finger, or you lost your best friend, or you lost the love of your life? Yes? Of course, because being sad is in everyone’s normal nature. Being sad is something that we have all had to deal with at some point. The catch is, being sad is easy. We sit around and mope. We go to bed early, we drink it away, we do other recreational activities to make it go away, or we cry out to God and hold tight to his promises. Sad is the easy road, even when we know that road hurts like hell.

Now, have you ever slept through seven alarm clocks? Have you ever woke up in the morning crying because of nothing? You just lay in bed and curl up over and over again until you are late to work everyday or your kids are late to school everyday? Have ever thought that your whole body just hurt all day long? Have you ever just been walking through a store and started crying? Have you ever just started crying and you can’t figure out why and you can’t stop? Have you ever gone home to sit in your chair and sit at tv that isn’t even turned on, trying to convince yourself it is ok?

Maybe at some point some of these have happened to you, but maybe not all at once. Imagine it all happening at once…. You lose your desire for everything, you fake a smile at every point of your day, you make an excuse to never see anyone and you don’t feel a thing. You have become comfortably numb. Then, you have no idea how to respond to that and it seems like it is never getting better and no one is ever going to worry about you. Then, you start thinking these horrible thoughts. You start wondering if this was really the road that was picked for you. Could it be possible that you were always meant to kill yourself? Could it be that the suffering and the constant door of people in and out of your life is actually your road? Could it be that this was always meant to be your purpose? You leave a mark on the world and no one would ever see anything coming. No one would ever understand, but you touched enough hearts at this point to be missed. So why does it matter?

When we have reached a point of depression, it isn’t a matter of what people will tell you. It isn’t a matter of anything but you. You now have to stop and evaluate you. You have to decide how far over the edge you are going to let this push you . You have to decide if the distance is worth the walk back to the equivalence of normal.

This is my everyday. I can be distracted, but at the end of the day, I am alone in the car. I am alone at home. I am alone when I am out shopping. I am alone. I am not relationship alone. I am numb. I am probably so incapable of having a real relationship right now, that every man would think I was awful. I am somebody else lonely though and that is a weird lonely. You just want someone to hang out with. You want someone who you can just sit around and talk to, call and kidnap when needed, and they call you to drag you along for their craziness too. Someone who doesn’t need you twenty-four hours a day, yet smiles when they do get a random text message from you. Someone to just make a connection with.

I have had to confront the fact that people just leave from my life. The one I was so sure would be my last stop, panics and just walks away. There were two more, oh and they just walk away too. How do you become one of those girls that guys fight for? How do you become one of those girls that guys will actually stick through the bad with and will actually put their fears and worries to the side for you? How do you find a guy who has less estrogen than you? It doesn’t matter at this point, because I can’t get close to someone. I have let the fears of others, create fears in me. With everyone always leaving, how could I ever trust what anyone has to say to me or even believe them when they say otherwise? At that point, I become just like them…. Therefore, not worth it at this point.

I have had to face my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I have faced the fear that I will never amount to anything. I have faced the fear of being less of a mom than I ever wanted to be and not being able to provide the things that I want for my kids. I have had to face the fact that I don’t have many friends that are true and honest. I spend everyday in fear not knowing how I will respond to what situation. I spend everyday trying to decide how I would want to die if I pulled the plug by myself. I pretty much spend everyday beating myself up over things that I have no control over. I have started having panic attacks on top of it. Now, not only am I terrified to face the world, but I can’t catch my breath or get my blood pressure down too. I am a walking disaster…

This journey has proved to be an amazing walk, with plenty of happy stops that were temporary and I will always be grateful for those people. Most of them have helped me to be the person I am today. Now, the journey has to continue. I think the only thing that keeps me hanging on is the hope of changed minds and a five-year old who has no backup plan.

So this is the start… We will take a step at a time. We will learn to hold our own hands instead of praying that someone else would want to hold my hand and let me cry. I hate feeling like this has sucked the light out of me. Sometimes I think if there was just some form of comfort, some form of peace to just be given out, then I would be fine. I haven’t found it, but I have to continue on with every step, even if that step always has to be one foot in front of the other…

Rumblings of a Girl Who Can’t Sleep :)

Have you ever had a happy heart? Have you ever been able to sit down and realize that you are truly happy? Have you ever looked up at the sky and said thank you to God for the people and plans He has worked out in your life?
Before you start judging, I don’t mean that things are perfect for you. I don’t mean that life isn’t still going to fall apart. I don’t mean that there isn’t something still getting fixed. I just mean that you know when your heart beats, you are looking forward to the next.
That happy heart feeling that let’s you know that you have found a tomorrow, or a next week, or a forever. That happy heart feeling that makes you want to get out of bed and for the first time in forever you actually heard your alarm clock. That happy heart feeling that makes you sing in the shower and do a little dance at a red light…..
Yes, I know. We have all been deceived by our happy hearts. They have led us to places we never want to go back to. They have taken us down roads in the dark we never want to drive again. They have put us in positions in which trust and insecurity will eat you alive in the end. They leave you saying what just happened or could you ever go back to being the same.
The trick to finding that happy heart again is all in letting go though. If love broke you, open your heart. Let someone in to see how you are broken and don’t shut them out and push them away. If your family broke you, open your heart to forgiveness. They only person held hostage is you anyways and the freedom you gain will be so much more.
If you fight the battle like I do and are sucked dry by selfish, greedy people, step back and put yourself in their shoes. Are they fighting for something they love and believe in? Are they trying to keep together something they hold dear? If you walked in their shoes, what would you find?
So don’t let one trick by a happy heart destroy what you could find or learn in this life. Happy hearts are there for that purpose. They can tell you that you are headed in the right direction or that you have found a place to rest. They will put that smile back on your face and in the end, maybe you will realize that you have found what you have been looking for 🙂

The I Don’t Know Post

As a person who writes as much as she can, I find it odd when I am at a loss for words. I spend most of my time writing in a notebook with a sharpened pencil. I find freedom in that pencil. It is out of sight for those who are prying and really don’t care, yet can be exposed to those who could love what you have to say. It is my escape and my freedom. I use it to say things I am scared to say out loud, because rejection and criticism can hurt. I use it to plan out what I want to say out loud because sometimes just winging it can put you in a sticky situation. Sometimes I just use it as a place to go because no one can get me there. I am not broken there and I am able to make it through the day in that place.
So what does one do when the words you want to say are on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t seem to get them out the way you want them to be said? What if, when you pick up your pencil, nothing shows up on the paper when the tip touches? What if you want to say you are incredibly happy, but the words that show up are filled with fear and tears? Have you ever tried to write “I’m gonna fall in love with you” and have it show up as “I am scared to death you will just change your mind”? Do you know what it is like to want to write about how you don’t want to mess something up and have t come out that you know that is the only outcome there can be?
That’s the tricky part to writing. Sometimes you have something catchy in your head like:
Scars are just that. Thick skin that hide the past that you must let become new again. They will keep you from a tomorrow or a forever if you can’t let go. They are new skin, waiting for someone to come along and help them grow.

You know that the thought in your head could be amazing, but instead it come out like this:
I know I am not alone and I know the scars I have are pictures of where I have been. The truth is that I don’t want you to just leave like everyone else. The truth is that my scars are thick and it isn’t possible for anyone to make it through because they all just give up. I am waiting on the give up. My heart wants the holding on part, but no one makes it that far. They tend to just change their mind just because it is always in the back of their mind because they are afraid too.

You know that when your pencil touches the paper, the words that come out will be filled with emotion and you will be screaming in silence at your notebook. The one thing that saved you, scares you.

So what do you do? How do you stop it? How do you put it all aside? Do you even do that? What if you need that scream? What if that is how you solve everything? What if you gain everything back because you were willing to face it just one time?