As a person who writes as much as she can, I find it odd when I am at a loss for words. I spend most of my time writing in a notebook with a sharpened pencil. I find freedom in that pencil. It is out of sight for those who are prying and really don’t care, yet can be exposed to those who could love what you have to say. It is my escape and my freedom. I use it to say things I am scared to say out loud, because rejection and criticism can hurt. I use it to plan out what I want to say out loud because sometimes just winging it can put you in a sticky situation. Sometimes I just use it as a place to go because no one can get me there. I am not broken there and I am able to make it through the day in that place.
So what does one do when the words you want to say are on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t seem to get them out the way you want them to be said? What if, when you pick up your pencil, nothing shows up on the paper when the tip touches? What if you want to say you are incredibly happy, but the words that show up are filled with fear and tears? Have you ever tried to write “I’m gonna fall in love with you” and have it show up as “I am scared to death you will just change your mind”? Do you know what it is like to want to write about how you don’t want to mess something up and have t come out that you know that is the only outcome there can be?
That’s the tricky part to writing. Sometimes you have something catchy in your head like:
Scars are just that. Thick skin that hide the past that you must let become new again. They will keep you from a tomorrow or a forever if you can’t let go. They are new skin, waiting for someone to come along and help them grow.
You know that the thought in your head could be amazing, but instead it come out like this:
I know I am not alone and I know the scars I have are pictures of where I have been. The truth is that I don’t want you to just leave like everyone else. The truth is that my scars are thick and it isn’t possible for anyone to make it through because they all just give up. I am waiting on the give up. My heart wants the holding on part, but no one makes it that far. They tend to just change their mind just because it is always in the back of their mind because they are afraid too.
You know that when your pencil touches the paper, the words that come out will be filled with emotion and you will be screaming in silence at your notebook. The one thing that saved you, scares you.
So what do you do? How do you stop it? How do you put it all aside? Do you even do that? What if you need that scream? What if that is how you solve everything? What if you gain everything back because you were willing to face it just one time?
lifethewayitgoes 
Leave a comment