You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God…….. Exodus 20:5 NIV
As I have been digging into a new book about idolatry, I find that I am searching me more than I was prepared too. I am having to sit back and realize that there are things that I sometimes let come before my relationship with God. I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be. I do strive to live a little more “Christ like” everyday, but some days, I fail miserably.
I have had to realize that my biggest battle is companionship. It is not that I don’t believe God is always with me and I completely trust the fact that He has been my best friend and greatest relationship all along. I just have to realize that my desire to be wanted by someone is just that. Intimacy is probably going to the death of me.
Don’t confuse what I just said. I don’t desire to “get laid.” The honest answer is yes I struggle with sexual desire, but my desire to hold out until hopefully I’m married is much stronger. I just simply refuse to fail at this. I tend to get sucked in and distracted by people looking for a good time and then realize halfway through that I have lost focus, but this isn’t what takes over my heart.
My heart longs for someone who wants to spend time with. I want someone who wants to come home to me and someone who wants to be home when I get home. I want someone who understands that I’m a great time without all the partying, though I love going and hanging out with someone.
I long for someone to five to when they are sick or someone who just wants to be when life is stressful. I want to be the ear they turn to and probably essentially a best friend when you break it down. I want to laugh as a complete family. I want someone to share life with and travel on our crazy journey together. I don’t want us to have the same passions, but the ability to support each other in the passions we do have.
There should be get together a with friends and family. There should be movie night and game night. I want a date night and fighting over petty things night. I want honesty and trust. I want surprise romance.
Ok, so this isn’t really about what I want, but what consumes me. This about a struggle that I face daily when I know so much better. I get mad at God when I know that it isn’t Him. I panic because I’m scared my path is a path traveled alone on this Earth. I know that God will never leave me and He have too much to me for me to ever leave Him. This is my struggle though. I don’t fear pretty much anything and I don’t stress over small things…. I panic because I just want that one person. I panic because I don’t know how to be that person to a person or find my person. If I did find my person, how do you become the most important person to that person and the next thing I know, my heart is consumed by this. I know in my heart it isn’t time. I know I’m ready because I have too much other stuff to do. I know that the way God loves me and helps me prosper could never compare to what anyone on this planet has to offer. I also know that if I could physically fall into the arms of God, I would probably never even have this problem. I can feel Him and I can hear Him. I just can’t quite completely let go of this one. I know when it happens. We have a jealous God. He doesn’t want sometimes the best of me, He wants all the time all of me. He wants to be where I turn, be the person to hear and be my person.
I don’t like that this is my problem. I am always the tough one. I am always the one who can make it through anything. I don’t like to let people see me cry and I don’t like to let them see me react. He has given me a great group of friends for the current path I am on and I am forever thankful for that, and yet too many times I find myself having to remind myself of this. I just want to give it all to God and walk away. When I do though, I always manage to take it back…
For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24 NIV
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