Maybe it is because I am the lucky or maybe it is just the hand that has been given to me, but either way, this is my life. I can’t change it and I won’t ever try to pretend that I can. I might just have a touch of crazy that got dealt in my direction. So, probably not, but this girl has not been having an easy time and lately it starting to take its toll. It has left me asking a lot of questions and dealing with moments that I don’t want to. I guess I am not alone. No one wants to meet all of their fears at once. It is hard enough to talk about one fear without someone telling you that you are silly and overreacting. How do you get someone to really listen?
Have you ever been sad before? Have you ever cried over the death of a loved one, or cried because you cut your finger, or you lost your best friend, or you lost the love of your life? Yes? Of course, because being sad is in everyone’s normal nature. Being sad is something that we have all had to deal with at some point. The catch is, being sad is easy. We sit around and mope. We go to bed early, we drink it away, we do other recreational activities to make it go away, or we cry out to God and hold tight to his promises. Sad is the easy road, even when we know that road hurts like hell.
Now, have you ever slept through seven alarm clocks? Have you ever woke up in the morning crying because of nothing? You just lay in bed and curl up over and over again until you are late to work everyday or your kids are late to school everyday? Have ever thought that your whole body just hurt all day long? Have you ever just been walking through a store and started crying? Have you ever just started crying and you can’t figure out why and you can’t stop? Have you ever gone home to sit in your chair and sit at tv that isn’t even turned on, trying to convince yourself it is ok?
Maybe at some point some of these have happened to you, but maybe not all at once. Imagine it all happening at once…. You lose your desire for everything, you fake a smile at every point of your day, you make an excuse to never see anyone and you don’t feel a thing. You have become comfortably numb. Then, you have no idea how to respond to that and it seems like it is never getting better and no one is ever going to worry about you. Then, you start thinking these horrible thoughts. You start wondering if this was really the road that was picked for you. Could it be possible that you were always meant to kill yourself? Could it be that the suffering and the constant door of people in and out of your life is actually your road? Could it be that this was always meant to be your purpose? You leave a mark on the world and no one would ever see anything coming. No one would ever understand, but you touched enough hearts at this point to be missed. So why does it matter?
When we have reached a point of depression, it isn’t a matter of what people will tell you. It isn’t a matter of anything but you. You now have to stop and evaluate you. You have to decide how far over the edge you are going to let this push you . You have to decide if the distance is worth the walk back to the equivalence of normal.
This is my everyday. I can be distracted, but at the end of the day, I am alone in the car. I am alone at home. I am alone when I am out shopping. I am alone. I am not relationship alone. I am numb. I am probably so incapable of having a real relationship right now, that every man would think I was awful. I am somebody else lonely though and that is a weird lonely. You just want someone to hang out with. You want someone who you can just sit around and talk to, call and kidnap when needed, and they call you to drag you along for their craziness too. Someone who doesn’t need you twenty-four hours a day, yet smiles when they do get a random text message from you. Someone to just make a connection with.
I have had to confront the fact that people just leave from my life. The one I was so sure would be my last stop, panics and just walks away. There were two more, oh and they just walk away too. How do you become one of those girls that guys fight for? How do you become one of those girls that guys will actually stick through the bad with and will actually put their fears and worries to the side for you? How do you find a guy who has less estrogen than you? It doesn’t matter at this point, because I can’t get close to someone. I have let the fears of others, create fears in me. With everyone always leaving, how could I ever trust what anyone has to say to me or even believe them when they say otherwise? At that point, I become just like them…. Therefore, not worth it at this point.
I have had to face my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I have faced the fear that I will never amount to anything. I have faced the fear of being less of a mom than I ever wanted to be and not being able to provide the things that I want for my kids. I have had to face the fact that I don’t have many friends that are true and honest. I spend everyday in fear not knowing how I will respond to what situation. I spend everyday trying to decide how I would want to die if I pulled the plug by myself. I pretty much spend everyday beating myself up over things that I have no control over. I have started having panic attacks on top of it. Now, not only am I terrified to face the world, but I can’t catch my breath or get my blood pressure down too. I am a walking disaster…
This journey has proved to be an amazing walk, with plenty of happy stops that were temporary and I will always be grateful for those people. Most of them have helped me to be the person I am today. Now, the journey has to continue. I think the only thing that keeps me hanging on is the hope of changed minds and a five-year old who has no backup plan.
So this is the start… We will take a step at a time. We will learn to hold our own hands instead of praying that someone else would want to hold my hand and let me cry. I hate feeling like this has sucked the light out of me. Sometimes I think if there was just some form of comfort, some form of peace to just be given out, then I would be fine. I haven’t found it, but I have to continue on with every step, even if that step always has to be one foot in front of the other…
lifethewayitgoes 